CRUCIFYING ALL OF MY SELVES

One booger in the nose of progress on this Journey is the fact that, in addition to my personal Self, I have any number of public selves. I have a political self; I have a religious self; I have a patriotic self; I have...you get the idea. When I am driving down the road and encounter someone who is driving irresponsibly, I am tempted to confront that person and challenge him/her to behave more responsibly for the sake of others’ safety. That is my Civic Self. When I see someone wasting water or motor fuel, I feel similar inclinations. My zeal regarding such matters is so great that my Religious Self may become involved.

My Political Self is torn between wanting the freedom to choose my own behavior without government interference and the security of having the government control how others exercise their freedom. If only I could trust my neighbors to behave responsibly, we all could be free together. Our security would exist in our tacit understanding of the Symbiosis Principle. However, I cannot trust my neighbors—some of whom are still slaves to sin—to do what is right. Each does as he pleases: some do what is right in their own eyes; others do what feels “good”. But none is righteous—not even one.

The question I must continually ask myself, when I am harmed or inconvenienced by antisocial behavior, is: “Who is being harmed by this or that behavior?”. If innocent people are being genuinely harmed, I am right to be indignant and to confront the evildoers. However, if the harm is largely illusory or if it is being inflicted upon a mere “self”, perhaps I would do better simply to turn my other cheek and forgive the slight.

The “Self”, as used in this ‘blog, is that part of each of us that is the recipient of insults, injuries and wounded feelings. It is that one of our members that we refer to as ‘I’, ‘me’ or ‘myself’. The Self not only receives hurts from the world; it also inflicts them on others by imposing its Will on them.

Today, my wife pushed a button on my Self control panel. Apparently, it was wired to a Screaming mechanism. As soon as she pushed it, I started screaming and swearing at her. When the Bible calls “Self Control” a fruit of the Spirit, it’s clearly not talking about this kind of control. When the Self has been dethroned and the Holy Spirit has been enthroned in one’s heart, the Spirit controls the Self instead of the Self running amok, unable to control itself.

What my wife did to “set me off” was she made an observation about me. She said I’m full of hot air. She said these blogs I write and the sermons I preach are all about me and not about God. She said that, when I talk about the Biblical standard of submission in marriage, I’m really saying that I want a Stepford Wife—not a real woman of God. The reason I got so upset is that she never praises me—she only puts me down. If she ever has anything to say about me—or to me—it is likely to be insulting. Our son has begun to speak to me in a similar fashion.

Meanwhile, I am striving to put Philippians 4:8 into practice: “Whatever is true...think on these things.”. I try to see the good in people—myself included—so as to focus on and encourage their virtues rather than trying directly to address their sins. As well, I am striving to pray for those who sin against me rather than take out my frustrations on them in violent ways. Every time I think I’ve made some headway in this area, something like this happens and I am reminded that my Selves are still very much alive and well.

“Oh, wretched man that I am!” Paul lamented in Romans 7: “Who will rescue me from this body of sin and death?” My self appears to be resurrected with every new day—not a desiccated, fly-bitten, crucified corpse—very much alive and well! Meanwhile, it is my faithwalk—not my self—that seems to have been crucified: sacrificed once again on the altar of self-indulgence! How can I ever rise above selfishness and live the life of disinterested benevolence to which Christ has called me?

“So,” my wife asked, as she headed off to work, “are you going to sit around all day and mope?”

“Yeah, probably,” I replied.

Bad choice! Depression is nothing more than anger turned inward. Rage is the same thing as depression except that it is turned outward. What is left? My friend Bryant Callahan has often said, “If you ever have anything to say to the Devil, write it on the bottom of your shoe, then step on his face!” That, I suppose would be downward. But why would I tell the Devil about my problems? Wouldn’t He simply rejoice in my infirmities? There remains one direction that I haven’t yet tried: Upward! Rather than mope and moan, I can pray! I can work! I can go somewhere quiet and listen to God! I can find someone whose problems are greater than my own and help him or her! There are lots of things I can do that are more productive than moping or moaning!

I think I’ll go and do some of those. It may help.